mylife

A Journey to Finding Your Life Purpose and the Fears along the Search

May 12th, 2016

 

A few years back I was at the point not only of not being able to find my mission (I haven´t found it yet) but the simple act of my—at that moment—current boyfriend telling me that he loved his job made my brain go crazy and my brow furrowed.

Was this possible? Or was he living in a parallel universe?

No, he was not living in a parallel universe, it is a real truth and nowadays there are more and more people who love their jobs.

 

Finally I am among them and I take it as a great privilege because I have been on the other side and I know how frustrating it can be.

Among the envious circle, but the holy grail is different, finding my purpose, still out my hands.

 

Before, when I saw people around me seemingly having found their life purpose, the question appearing in my mind was, “What do these fortunate people have that I don’t?

Even when it was not what they actually had in their mind, at least their life was leading somewhere, or they just loved the job they were doing.

 

How come these people had easily found their calling and trodden the path of achieving it? After a few years of searching, I am in a job that I loved.  It should be enough but, unfortunately, something is bugging me. What is it, would it be my life purpose, would it be a crazy idea that would burn and turn into ashes? I do not know. The emphasis we as human beings have in finding our purpose in this life is unlimited.

 

Finding my life purpose would be nice!

 

When you find your thing/your life purpose, everything you do flows, everything is easy. But do we all have to find our life purpose?  What happens to the people who have not found anything, or the ones who will never find it—are we talking too much about it and making them feel useless?

 

I am among this bunch of people who have not found anything, but I am not losing hope.

I hope that you are not losing hope either. I know how frustrating and fearful it can be not to know exactly what to do. It is like there is an emptiness in your gut and it is making you restless all the time.

It is not easy to pursue what you really want, especially when you are not sure of what’s ahead. You have a lot of fears that keep on dragging you down.

 

I have not found anything yet, but there is a little bug bothering me.  Some years ago, an idea popped into my head. It was on an NLP course in Florida, in a meditation-hypnosis. I don´t remember the images, but the message was about writing a book.

My mind, said, loud and clear, ‘No, way, no thanks.’

This idea came back to me in other relaxing exercises, but my tantrum saying no was still clear, loud and powerful. The image of me as an 8-10 year-old kicking the floor with my shoes, saying: ‘I dooooon’t want to dooooo it !’

 

This went on until February’16—from 2008-2016—8 years.  I am a little stubborn, but every girl knows when she has lost a battle, and finally I gave up.

I do not know where it will take me.  Maybe there will be no book, only ashes, maybe the mission is another one, I do not know. If this is my purpose, I believe it. It is not flowing as the experts say, but I cannot keep waiting.

 

I found this quote:

The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”

 ‘The War of Art’ from Steve Pressfield—he has interesting books.

 

Then, I made a deal with the universe, it is called

co-creating with the universe’.

I do all I can, read about writing, websites, attend seminars and workshops, bla, bla, bla—not even knowing where I am going.

You, the Universe, are in charge of the rest, easing me the way to wherever I have to get.

That’s exactly what prompted me to write a blog about it. My fears about writing are huge: in a tapping exercise, from 1 to 10 (most fear), the fear ranking was 8.

 

I can still see my international relations papers from university all full of the teacher’s red marks, or my English teacher’s face looking at me with my first essays. I cannot remembering having to write too much in primary and secondary, and even less in my first university degree related to computers.

 

Then, to get used to and be able to breathe normally around all of this subject of writing + writing in a foreign language, I thought blogging might help to ease my fears.

 

The first thing you hear or read about writing a book is that you need a platform, meaning a website with followers. I started this website, DIM which I did myself (with WP). I bougth the domain March 17th, 2016 . I don´t know if I will get followers but I will practice my writing.

Along the way, though, of writing this blog, a wave of new fear swept over me—the fear of writing on the internet for the first time which is something that’s new to me.

I knew I had to do it. Exposing myself to the online world with writing a blog might be scary, but I knew this would be the start of finding my voice.

 

Where did I get the strength to write ‘the start of finding my voice’?

I know, this is my cocky alter ego, because the rest of me is hiding as an ostrich, thinking, “What  am I doing?”

 

You will be wondering what I am going to write about. I will write of my process of ‘Daring Greatly’.

What is that?  Words from a Theodore Roosevelt speech:

The man in the Arena

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; …..but who …. at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,…

 

There is also a book with this title by the wonderful researcher-storyteller Brené Brown.  She is so amazing, explaining complicated human emotions in an easy way.

She has one famous ted talk (subtitles available in many languages) about vulnerability among others.

 

 

I read two of her books, Daring Greatly and Rising strong, great ones. Plus I am doing her Courageworks online course—it is my companion with this new adventure.

Then, I am in the Arena, my arena could be this website-blog on my way to finding my true voice.

 

These are the qualities of an Arena, your theatre where you will

show up your vulnerability: you will take risks and you will be totally exposed to emotions.

 

Any of these are in my comfort zone, they are in what I called my ‘out of control zone’. And how do I feel in the Arena (writing a blog)? I feel like an ex-control freak who is shaking like a pudding.

Has anyone felt like this before?

The trick is to breathe in and breathe out,

not thinking about how vulnerable you are and how stupid you will feel if you fail because then, the knot in your stomach becomes a big monster that doesn´t stop growing inside of you.

One method to stop the monster growing could be the ancient art of music. Music tames the wild beast. On the course they asked us to choose an arena anthem for our moments of vulnerability.

 

 

 

 

My chosen anthem was from the movie Gladiator, We Are Free.

My slip permission: I give permission to myself to use my voice.

 

 

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Wouldn’t it be nice if you give permission to yourself to use your own voice? On what occasions?

Write about it in the comments and I would be delighted to read them.

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